Part Truth / Part Fiction.

São quase sete da manhã. O sono que tenho é insignificante perante meu pensamento em você. Lembro de você. Imagino você. Milhares de situações passam pela minha cabeça, fazendo com que seja impossível dormir. Em todas você é a personagem principal, em histórias dignas de cinema. Não sei qual o teu cheiro, nem como é sua pele, mas meu cérebro sabe exatamente o que você é pra mim.

Bad Timing.

It is quite strange to see you
And feel this rush of emotions
Your face and your tits
That are so appealing to me
How are they so bright
And why do I still feel this inside
Affter all this time
And how do you sleep at night
Knowing what you do to me
And when you will get that
We are the singularity that makes sense.
Do not worry my darling
I am used to you
I am used to your smell and your eyes
Infecting my brain
Contaminating my body.
I feel numb
Dizzy
The antibitiocs are useless
And sleeping doesn't make it all go away
Anymore.

The Swimmer.

Feeling excited for the first time in years
This is not a simulation
Although I will still wait at least a year or so
And a year can be a long time
Although I often say it isn't
It is.
Nonetheless
I will happily
Patiently
Wait
Because I know what waits for me
And I will feel genuiely happy again
As if life hadn't been punching me
Beating me
Scaring me
And burring me
No time for sadness
Happy thoughts and happy smiles only
Time will go by
Fly
And I will finally have what I am missing.

Sara.

Possuo uma enorme dificuldade em te olhar. Três segundos são o necessário para que eu tenha algum tipo de espasmo nervoso, seja olhar para o lado ou mexer no cabelo. Fico sem graça com você pois tenho medo de te olhar demais e acabar te perdendo, como se você fosse desaparecer diante de meus olhos e eu fosse encarar a dura realidade de que você nada é do que um sonho meu. Um sonho esse que coloca a mão sobre a boca quando ri, me privando de ver algo tão belo que escrevo isso já com um sorriso estampado em minha boca.

Não quero que você me leve a mal, mas você só me complica. Devo ter irritado alguém lá de cima para que eu me apaixonasse por alguém está do outro lado do país. Tão longe que eu levaria dias só para chegar até você, se dirigisse sem parar. Uma grande piada de mal gosto, se quer saber. Porém, acho que talvez isso seja um teste, daqueles que o destino insiste em colocar nas nossas vidas, só para que tudo não seja assim tão fácil. Confesso: diversas vezes desejei acordar desse pesadelo que é acordar longe de você, mas aprendi a aceitar que a vida não é como a gente quer. Se fosse, estaríamos agora deitados na cama, você com sua cabeça em meu braço enquanto vemos atores coreanos interpretando dramas muito forçados.

OBLIVIOUS.

I am quite afraid. Endless questions pop on my mind, as I keep moving forward, rushing to whatever is waiting for me at the end. The ever-so-present thought of "but what if it does?" is wearing me down. Hope is dangerous, especially for the weak minded.
My chances are slim, the odds are no in my favor. Yet, I keep on going, facing the world, like a braver warrior. I only want the rain after the storm, no rainbows are needed. I need no superfluous belongings. I demand simplicity. I urge being with her, watching my favorite movie, as she falls asleep in my arms. Although this alone may be worth more than any existing thing on this planet.

Nessa Cidade.

Every attempt feels forced. As if I’m trying really hard to be something that I’m not. I fail at every single thing I try. A step forward is all it takes to crumble my kingdom. This kingdom has no king, for one should be convinced that he is one. I’m not a king. I can’t lead. I can’t think straight. I consistently doubt my own decisions. My thoughts are completely chaos. My intentions are essentially good, yet I still keep getting punched and being mocked at. ‘Who mocks you?’, you might ask. My own flesh turns against me. I am the target of my own witch hunt.

                While I am a survivor, I’ve grown tired of waiting for the sunset that never comes. I’ve grown tired watching my life pass by. My lack of judgment causes the ache that I feel. I don’t know when to stay or when to go. I have no capability of making my own choices whatsoever. Apparently, I can only stay. Leaving doesn’t suit my body. The heavy burden breaks my soul, no matter the outcome. Mentally, the anarchy emerges and takes over. There is no law, no limits for my actions. The feeling of invincibility consumes my essence, creating the perfect storm. My surrounds are mere moving objects. I am untouchable, although I’m no king.

                This country isn’t my home. There is nothing here for me. I wasted everything that I had. I apologize. If there are no other opportunities for me, I will see you soon. Don’t worry, my darling, the letters will reach you and you will still be able to smell me through my horrible writing. Don’t keep the door opened and don’t forget to turn off the tv, for I’m not coming back. If you also feel a certain disparity, I will be waiting across the bridge. The keys are under the rock, the one with your name on it. But, if you do come, I beg, don’t wake me up. The dreams that I have of you sometimes outclasses the cruel reality.

Pra Onde Eu Devo Ir?

The problem with leaving is

That I’m always the one who stays

Even though I want to go

I’m bound to not change

As I’m consistently trying to catch up

You promise to not go too far

The sad part is that I need you to go

Because I cannot stay any longer

The idea of you that I want so badly

Wears me down completely

I’ve turned into someone

That I’ve never thought I would

It really is your fault

At last

You came tom as a lion

As I couldn’t be more than just a prey

I shouldn’t have fallen for you

And I should not still want you

For you make me hurt

And for I do not want to be your feast